One of the ICU float pool staff asked me, “has this place made you cry yet?” I thought about it, and I said, “no, not yet.” But, then I remembered and said, “no the other day.” I was doing burn care on a patient and they were crying in pain. I was standing closest to their head so I stopped what I was doing and told them to look at me. I told them we are going to get through this, look at me, breathe with me. The tears kept rolling down their face and unexpectedly tears fell from mine. Generally, I can hold it together but the tear surprised me. I excused myself for a moment, stepped away, wiped away my tears and came back. It’s important we hold it together. We are responsible for being the boss and leading them to healing.
It’s been 3 months and I’ve done some wild things. I worked on temperature management of someone who had recently died, and we were trying to bring back. I watched someone drill a hole into someone’s skull as if it were no big deal. I’ve done burn care on a two year old, and subsequently watched a lot of Baby Shark as a distraction. I often bribe children before and after difficult things.
What has surprised me the most in the ICU are the preventable injuries for children. Adults making poor mistakes and parenting errors. Gasoline on a fire pit as a starter, creates an epic explosion. Leaving a pellet gun unattended, in small hands reach, a small child fired it like a gun, almost claiming a heart of a sibling. Or the adult who threw a child up in the air but missed catching them on the way down. Then there are the many kids with gunshot wounds from gun violence or traumatic brain injuries from high speed accidents without wearing seat belts or helmets. All avoidable injuries. Someone I met said, “I’ve made it a life goal to not go to Harborview as a patient.” It’s a good goal to not need life saving measures.
Working in the ICU I have learned, is not about doing your best, that’s not good enough. It’s about bringing your best self, each and every shift. It’s about trying to keep someone alive or bring them back from death. This is what it means to work in an intensive care unit at a trauma center.
withoutapillow 